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Stranger Midterms 2022 – Stephen Colbert’s LIVE Monologue feat. Steve Clucknacki

WELCOME, WELCOMES TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE HERE JOIN YOU FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH ALL THESE
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). WE ARE LIVE.
LOOK AT THAT. WE ARE LIVE RIGHT THERE.
IT'S OUR LIVE ELECTION SHOW. AND BECAUSE THESE DAYS IT OFTEN
FEELS LIKE OUR POLITICS ARE IN THE UPSIDE DOWN, WE'RE CALLING
TONIGHT "STRANGER MIDTERMS: 2022."
♪ ♪ ♪ THOUGH– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Louis: OH, YEAH! >> Stephen: WE'RE RUNNING UP
THAT HILL TONIGHT. THOUGH THE G.O.P. IS PICKING UP
SEATS IN THE HOUSE, SO FAR IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A RED WAVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

PERHAPS– PERHAPS– TOO EARLY TO
TELL. PERHAPS A PINK TRICKLE.
THEY SHOULD REALLY HAVE THAT CHECKED OUT.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH US FOR THE NEXT HOUR,
BECAUSE WE WILL HAVE UP-TO-THE-MINUTE ELECTION
RESULTS, AND UP-TO-THE-MINUTE ELECTION DENIALS.
IN FACT, WE HAVE PREPARED THREE RESULTS GRAPHICS TONIGHT–
WINNER, LOSER, AND LOSER YELLING THAT THEY WON, JUST ASK THEIR
FRIEND HOLDING A PILLOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BECAUSE THE THING IS– REPUBLICAN ELECTION DENIERS OUT
THERE ARE ON BALLOTS IN 48 OF THE 50 STATES TONIGHT, MAKING UP
A MAJORITY OF THIS YEAR'S G.O.P.

NOMINEES.
AND IF ANY OF THEM ARE ELECTED TO CONGRESS, THAT'S GOING TO
MAKE THE NEXT INSURRECTION REAL AWKWARD.
( LAUGHTER )
HANG MYSELF!
NOW ALL NIGHT, ALL NIGHT LONG, THESE ELECTION NUMBERS ARE GOING
TO BE POURING IN, AND I KNOW YOU EXPECT UP-TO-THE-MINUTE ANALYSIS
FROM COMEDY SHOWS. BUT, IF HALF THE COUNTRY DENIES
THE EXISTENCE OF MATH, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHERE WE
GET THE NUMBERS FROM. SO, PLEASE WELCOME "THE LATE
SHOW"'S" SENIOR ELECTION ANALYST LIVE FROM THE CBS MIDTERMS
PROJECTION COUP COOP. STEVE CLUCKNACKI.
STEVE. STEVE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US IN THE COOP.
STEVE, YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING A SHARP EYE AND AN EVEN SHARPER
BEAK ON TONIGHT'S RESULTS. WHAT FRIENDS OF TRENDS ARE YOU
SEEING OUT THERE? OKAY, HE'S WANDERING AROUND
GEORGIA, COULD MEAN A HIGH RURAL TURNOUT.
COULD MEAN HE SAW A DELICIOUS GRUB OVER THERE.
THANK YOU, STEVE. WE'LL BE CHECKING IN ALL NIGHT
ON YOUR IM-PECK-ABLE AND EGG-CELLENT ANALYSIS.
I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, NO.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS INSENSITIVE.
THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WATCHING IS IN GEORGIA BETWEEN ELIZABETH
RAPHAELWARNOCK AND HERSCHEL WAL. AND RIGHT NOW THEY ARE NECK AND
ALMOST ENTIRELY NECK. IT IS SO TIGHT, IT'S STILL
TIGHT? IS IT STILL A TIGHT RACE?
IT IS SO TIGHT THIS RACE COULD BE DECIDED BY A MARGIN OF ERROR
PLUS OR MINUS HERSCHEL WALKER'S SECRET CHILDREN.
AND– THIS IS TRUE? I'M TOLD WE DO HAVE SOME
RESULTS. HERE IN NEW YORK, IN A SHOCKER,
THE SENATE RACE HAS BEEN CALLED FOR MAJORITY LEADER CHUCK
SCHUMER. ( APPLAUSE )
OPPONENT'S POLITICAL DEMISE, SCHUMER WILL BE WEARING HIS
GLASSES AT HALF-MAST. ( LAUGHTER )
IN THE FLORIDA GOVERNOR'S RACE, DEMOCRAT CHARLIE CRIST HAS BEEN
DEFEATED BY MAGA WANNA-BE AND 2024 HOPEFUL RON DeSANTIS
( BOOING ) AND NOW IN ACCORDANCE WITH
FLORIDA LAW, CHARLIE CRIST WILL BE FLOWN TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
STAYING IN FLORIDA? STAYING IN FLORIDA IN THE SENATE
RACE, IT LOOKS LIKE REPUBLICAN MARCO RUBIO HAS DEFEATED
DEMOCRATIC RISING STAR VAL DEMINGS.
DEMINGS WAS ON THE SHORT LIST TO BE BIDEN'S RUNNING MATE WHILE
RUBIO IS ON THE SHORT LIST FOR BEING SHORT.
UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR CHRIS SUNUNU HAS BEEN
ELECTED GOVERNOR.

IN THE OTHER
ONE OF– WHICHEVER THOSE STATES IT IS, VERMONT, THE SENATE RACE
HAS WRAPPED UP, AND DEMOCRAT PETER WELCH IS THE WINNER.
( APPLAUSE )
THE OLDEST PERSON EVER ELECTED
TO A FIRST TERM AS U.S. SENATOR. HOWEVER, AT 75, HE WILL ALSO BE
ONE OF THE YOUNGEST MEMBERS OF THE SENATE.
OVER IN INDIANA, INCUMBENT G.O.P. SENATOR TODD YOUNG HAS
WON REELECTION WITHOUT THE 45th PRESIDENT ENDORSEMENT
MAKING HIM ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL REPUBLICANS TO HAVE
ZERO SUPPORT FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL? ERIC.
( LAUGHTER )
IN MIDTERMS, THE PRESIDENCY IS
NOT ON THE BALLOT TONIGHT, SO WE'RE PRIMARILY FOCUSED ON
CONTROL OF THE HOUSE AND THE SENATE.
THE REPUBLICANS ONLY NEED A NET GAIN OF ONE SEAT IN THE SENATE
AND FIVE SEATS IN THE HOUSE. DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN, BUT HERE'S WHAT WE DO KNOW: THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE
OUTCOMES TONIGHT.

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