[Applause] this is the American dream baby look I worked here for five years just so I could substitute teach for a week now we got so much to talk about so let's get right to the headlines now look there's so many pressing issues in the world right now the war in Ukraine a train derailment in Ohio natural disasters in Turkey but we can't talk about any of that because apparently the biggest story in the newspaper is on the comics page newspapers across the country are dropping the Dilbert comic strip after its creator Scott Adams went on a tirade this weekend calling black Americans a hate group and Advising white people to stay away from them the Dilbert Creator referencing a poll that indicated 53 percent of black Americans agree with the statement it's okay to be white yes nearly half of All Blacks are not okay with white people that's a hate group the best advice I would give to white people is to get the hell away from black people you just have to escape so that's what I did I went to a neighborhood where you know I have a very low black population oh my God he just kept going he's like black people are a hate group white people should stay away from black people I stay away from black people and Kanye heard this and was like whoa my brother pace yourself by the way Scott Adams why do you have a podcast you have one of the most successful comic strips in the world but you're podcasting at youtube.com backslash real coffee with Scott Adams like why bro you got rich off of Doodles take the W be happy the guy who created that cool s thing from middle school wishes he could be you now I'll be honest with you guys it's been a minute since we talked and I've rubbed shoulders with the Illuminati and I've noticed one thing about a certain type of rich person when they don't have problems of Their Own they have to just make up problems just to make their lives interesting right they're just like sitting at home in the jacuzzi like [Music] what if I tweet about trans High School swimmers see you JK Rowling had zero opinions about trans people when she was on welfare this is why I think we need a wealth tax we need a wealth tax not for infrastructure schools none of that Bernie [ __ ] rich people this is for your own good the wealth tax is actually a shut the [ __ ] up tax spend more time working kissing your loved ones getting groceries you know being a normal person because normal people don't hate black people we're all too busy hating that one squeaky wheel on the shopping cart but let's move on to one of the greatest debates of our time no I'm not talking about how much cocaine a bear can do I'm talking about the covid origin debate which is heating up this week and it's just in an updated classified Intel report saying that the U.S department of energy has assessed that the source of the covid-19 pandemic likely came from a China lab leak but there is one major caveat sources at the department of energy tell CNN that the report has quote low confidence low confidence how can you conclude something with low confidence that's not a conclusion I think the word you're looking for is guess by the way conclusion with low confidence is such a boy move like you're dating someone and they go babe what are we and you're like Sarah I can tell you for sure I don't know now even though they had low confidence the department of energy came out and said kovid was a lab leak and now every idiot I went to high school with is like apologize to me right now Hassan I told you I was right and if your hand is bigger than your face you're gay now to everybody touchdown dancing about this how have you been rocking with the Department of energy you've been with them since day one hey what's your second favorite report from the Department of energy now personally I love their report on walk-in freezers and coolers but hey that's just me because I'm a real one but here's the key detail everybody's forgetting while they got the Twitter fingers the energy department is one of nine intelligence groups that have assessed covid's Origins two have said lablique five say it came out of natural causes in two say they don't know and you know what I personally side with them I don't know what the [ __ ] is going on FBI says this Nic says that I'm holding out until the DMV chimes in here's the thing I'm wondering okay why did this whole Lab leak versus wet Market thing become the
Yankees versus Red Sox of the culture war in the first place and to me I think it's because when some people started saying it came from a lab other people were like hey you can't say the Chinese are trying to poison everybody on planet Earth that's racist you should say kovid came from a wet Market where Chinese people eat weird animals but that sounds way more racist and I say this as a kid who had to eat weird ethnic food in the lunchroom every day I'd pull out my keema Roti and everybody else would be like ew what is that all I wanted was Lunchables but my mom would never buy them she'd be like Hudson are you crazy you want Lunchables those things are made in a lab and they'll kill you and she said that with high confidence now now on the lab week we turn to enemy Ronnie Chang Ronnie a man thank you for joining us yeah look let's get right into it where did covid come from tell us what the [ __ ] how the [ __ ] I know why are you asking me by the way I didn't do it we could be talking about the debt serial Eagle racist Dilbert but of course you want to pigeonhole the Asian guy to do the covet story yes yes yes I'm going to pigeonhole you you want to know why Ronnie because when I was a correspondent I was pigeonholed my hole was pigeon constantly that's disgusting yeah it was any time there was a Subway bombing they went to the Muslim guy as if I'm on group chat with ISIS my most viral clip on this show was a photo of me wearing a hijab next to Jon Stewart you understand so yeah the Asian guy has to cover the Asian story and it has to be funny and it has to be deemed comedically acceptable by vulture.com go okay first of all vulture all right and second of all why don't you talk about it you want to explain lecturing us about the world despite never having left America right aren't you Asian too you talk about it no no no you said it yourself Ronnie you said it right here on this show that Indians were not real Asians why don't you roll the tape let's be clear Indians are not Asian okay just try to have it both ways like being Indian yeah how about you keep your receipts all of your 50 Air Jordan shoe boxes all right yeah I said it you didn't have to roll the tape because I'll say it again right now Indians are not Asians and by the way I'm more than just Asian all right I also live in Australia so why don't you ask me about kangaroos fine Ronnie tell us about kangaroos all right well I'm glad you asked well there's red giant Kangaroos and then there's gray ones and the red ones can jump 10 feet high and they have claws and can rip your dick off through your jeans no one gives a [ __ ] about kangaroos okay stop talking like an angry Snapple cap you don't get to decide what is on this show Ronnie I'm the boss I decide Ronnie I mean what do you decide you're a guest host okay the operative word is guest guest in my house okay I'm not your token Asian guy I'm in movies now I was in Megan oh you were you were in the movie Megan in theaters right now hey what was your role in Megan I played a token Asian guy the tech company well satire it was satire that's weird because I could have sworn that I'm your boss right now because it says my name on the desk it says The Daily Show with Hassan minhaj which by the way that's my real name Ronnie Chang I'm Ronnie Ronnie I'm Ronnie it's also my real name you idiot it's on my birth certificate oh should I be like you and get a name that you refuse to spell phonetically and then when everyone mispronounces it you try to Ellen oh oh it's spelled her son and they called me Hassan hey I'm so impressed yeah yeah fine fine Ronnie fine yeah I expect some emotion I showed some vulnerability unlike you I showed some other emotion besides anger it's something you might not be familiar with oh no no I know you know all about anger you love a job where you can rage about evil corporations in America but as soon as the MBA reaches out about the celebrity All-Star Game you jump at the chance to score zero points zero points Ronnie stop it come on stop stop this stop stop it right now we can't be fighting like this there's white people here how are we going to stop Asian hate if we hate each other no you're right I'm I'm sorry I'm just lashing out because I actually love The Daily Show and I'm scared you're gonna get canceled like your Netflix show whatever it was called it's called Patriot it doesn't matter okay because despite our differences you're right we do have a bigger responsibility to the Asians and the Asians watching this because when we fight the white people win and we can't have that exactly we got to bring the segment home so let's each say something nice about each other and show some emotional growth are you serious I'm dead serious all right Hassan you know good at managing hair thank you your energy is not always annoying uh and you know I've seen you at The Daily Show grow to become this force of Nature and I'm actually really happy that you're hosting this week it gets really good shut up everybody shut up thank you Iranian I just want to say um I want to take this moment to tell you we're out of time Ronnie Chang everyone [Applause] [Music]
